Tadpole's Outdoor Blog

May 5, 2013

“ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES” BY: NEAL MURPHY

Filed under: Neal Murphy — Freddie Keel @ 6:29 am

 

The telephone answering machine is one “high tech” instrument that I can use reasonably well.  That is because when once installed it takes care of the job by itself.  It seems that some members of the general public have become quite innovative with answering messages, so whenever you call someone don’t be surprised when you hear messages like the following:

Hi, this is John.  If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.  If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.  If you are one of my friends, you owe me money.  If you are female, I have plenty of money.  Now leave your message whichever you are.

Hello.  Now, you say something.

A – is for academics,

B – is for beer.

One of these reasons is why we are not here.  So, leave a message…..

Hi.  John’s answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I will stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub.  Their carpets are always clean.  They give to charity through their office and do not need any pictures taken.  They believe the stock market is a random crapshoot, and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso accountants.  If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hi, I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.  Leave a message and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

This is not an answering machine.  This is a telepathic thought recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where you can be reached, and my owner will think about returning your call.

Hi, this is George.  I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.  If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.

You are growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a short message.

I will not sleep; I will not slumber; unless you leave your name and number.

Hello, this is Sally’s microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with her CD player, so I’m stuck taking her calls.   If you’d like anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the telephone.

So, there you have a sampling of the kind of messages you might encounter the next time you call someone who is not at home.  Answering machines are getting quite intelligent and wordy – a sign of the times.

“ANSWERING  MACHINE  MESSAGES”

 

BY: NEAL MURPHY

P O BOX 511

107 HEMLOCK STREET

SAN AUGUSTINE, TX 75972

936-275-9033

Cell: 936-275-6986

Email: sugarbear@netdot.com

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